"Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own." ~Jonathan Swift

Jon Stewart Leaving The Daily Show

Jon Stewart is one clever guy, but he's no Mark Twain, H.L. Mencken, George Carlin, Stephen Colbert, or Mort Sahl. Stewart's sarcasm and smug, abrasive humor is limited to humiliation, simplistically profane language, and irritatingly, poorly timed, prolonged pauses.

Stewart gets in some great political jabs, but his humor is typically shallow and rarely self-directed or the human condition. His attempts at Jewish humor are insulting and border on mockery.

To paraphrase Shakespeare, "Nothing in his show became him like the leaving it."

"Of my friend, I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels … his was the most … human."

 

Most noble, regal, beautiful, devoted, compassionate friend,
I will miss watching you standing on a hill
with the wind in your hair.

"Engineers are all basically high-functioning autistics who have no idea how normal people do stuff." ~Cory Doctorow

Open Letter to Aaron Forth

Dear Mr. Forth,

I received an e-mail from Quicken.com regarding the status of Quicken and Mac OS 10.7. There isn't a satisfactory option listed. I think you know this.

With the exception of upgrading, and I use that phrase loosely, to Quicken Essentials for Mac, the other alternatives provided are far too costly for personal-finance software. Quicken Essentials will work, but its truncated functionality forces a customer to enter the same transaction twice: first in Quicken and then online. Considering the terrible user interface Quicken has always had, the quirky workarounds for split transactions and other functions, why offer new software without the major convenience of online compatibility?

Intuit has had well over a year to fix these problems and has made promise after promise to do so, but there's been nothing. When Mac owners heard that Intuit had bought Mint and you were taking over development of Intuit's personal-finance software, we thought it was the end of a terrible nightmare. But, we've seen nothing.

If you haven't heard from Steve Jobs, you will: Quicken's foot dragging will affect Apple new hardware sales. Having worked with Steve, I can tell you that he's probably not thrilled.

Quicken has a de facto monopoly in the personal-finance software market. That alone should terrify Intuit's "suits." For God's sake, do something for your customers. Please.

Sincerely yours,

 

 

--

"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me." ~John Cleese

Well, duh!

It's Apple vs. Google in the New Phone Fight - Newsweek: "Once an Apple ally—Eric Schmidt, Google’s CEO, used to sit on Apple’s board of directors—Google is now Apple’s biggest rival."

I love this article. Steve Jobs is portrayed as a control freak, enemy of the people. If that's true, then what does that make Mr. Eric "Do No Evil" Schmidt. He was taking copious notes while sitting on Apple's board of directors. Schmidt left the board, and suddenly Google is producing a computer OS, smartphone OS, a new browser, and who knows what other ideas he pilfered from those board meetings. Very odd for an advertising company. Übergeeks (who believe everything should be free and open) think that's the essence of the free market (as though companies are democracies), but the rest of humanity knows precisely what it was: betrayal and thievery.

There's one thing Google doesn't have that's made Apple successful: Steve Jobs. Maybe Mr. Schmidt can swipe him, too.

"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." ~Mark Twain

Blow Up

I recently watched Antonioni's movie Blow Up chosen from a list of on–demand movies. The last and only other time I watched the film was when the movie first hit the theaters in 1966. It was the film to see. It wasn't intended to be a horror film, but it was, or I should say "is now."

What a boring piece of pretentiousness. The acting was mediocre with the possible exception of the nearly nude Veruschka writhing in sexual ecstasy.

That might be the only scene worth watching. I don't understand a woman's orgasmic behavior. Who does? But, orgasms are entertaining when Veruschka, all 6'1" of her, is feeling good about herself.

Antonioni was arguably the most pretentious director of the 60s and, unfortunately, very prolific. His plots were thin and boring, but he compensated passing off amateurish camera work and bizarre characters substituting as great art, thereby launching himself into the level of heaven labelled: "If you don't understand my work, you're a philistine."

I now remember why I went to see Blow Up. I was in my usual seat at my usual Berkeley coffee house, and a girl I really adored walked in with a few of her UC-Davis friends. She asked me to see this great new Antonioni film with them (I heard her). I said yes after wiping the drool of my chin. After–movie chatter back at the coffee house revolved around how beautiful and deeply meaningful and metaphorical the film was.

All in all, the evening was a lemon. We all went our separate ways. The good news is that you, too, can watch the nearly nude Veruschka writhing on the floor, and the scene is early in the film. You don't have to suffer through the entire horror.

"I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty… But I am too busy thinking about myself." ~Edith Sitwell

"Be extremely careful with the honor and feelings of others." ~Yisroel Salanter

Maybe it's the media perpetuating the image of the strong individual who doesn't ever require anyone's help, or possibly it's the anonymity and brevity of the Internet that allows people to believe they should (because they can) act and speak without regard for the sensitivities and emotions of others. I don't know. But, it appears that few people have any respect for others or decorum.

I keep encountering what I hope are imagined slights that turn out to be authentic affronts. I'm tired of hearing, "It's not personal, you understand; it's just business." Better still, "I'm trying to find myself and don't have time for the drama (the latest psychobabble), unnecessary civilities, family, and friends." Translation: it's all about me. You're too sensitive, flawed, and ignorant to understand my motives. Get a life, and get lost.

Incredibly, these same self–important yahoos expect others to be dialed into their needs.

There have always been rude, self–absorbed people. Just as bad, we've all been rude, self–absorbed at times. Neither is defensible. It just seems so all–pervasive lately. Evidently, "The Greatest Generation" failed to raise their children properly, who in turn failed at raising their children, and they, in turn, knocked out vulgar barbarians. Point the finger anywhere you'd care to—modernity, schools, religion, movies—for producing three generations of self–applauding, disrespectful, insensitive boors. But, in the end, it is the parents' job to ensure that a child function decently in society.

Recompense: the final karma for those so concerned with themselves that they ignore others around them. It has always been so.

Is stoning permitted?

In Madoff Scandal, Jews Feel an Acute Betrayal—NYTimes.com

"It is not possible for him to atone for all the damage he did,' the rabbi said, "and I don't even think that there is a punishment that is commensurate with the crime, for the wreckage of lives that he's left behind. The only thing he could do, for the rest of his life, is work for redemption that he would never achieve."
~Rabbi David Wolpe, NYTimes.com

What a nightmare!

Madoff has betrayed the very people he wanted most to impress, yet will not fall on his sword. Are Jews to say or do nothing? Short of putting Bernie's head on a spike, why doesn't the Jewish community do the Eskimo thing: completely isolate him from his people. Don't speak with him, look at him, pray with him, golf with him, eat with him—complete excommunication.

Why do we (Jews and non-Jews alike) respect and bootlick the wealthy no matter how they acquired their fortunes? Is being acquisitive some colossal virtue, or is it unvarnished greed?

So, here we are back to the Yiddish proverb, "It takes one fool to throw a rock down a well and nine wise men to get it back up."

And, Mr. Madoff, about your wealth, dershtikt zolstu veren!

Iceberg, Goldberg…

"America: What a Country!"

I recently took our Chrysler to Hiep Auto Pro for repairs. As I was speaking with the owner, a very pleasant, young Vietnamese man, I noticed the last name embroidered on his blue coverall: Goldberg.

"I don't mean to be intrusive," I questioned, "but, how did you end up with your last name being Goldberg?"

"I was orphaned by the war," he said, "and sponsored into the United States in 1984 and later adopted by Mr. Goldberg. He's my father."

"So, you assumed his last name when he adopted you?"

"Not exactly," he continued. "At age 16, it came time to get my United States citizenship, I asked my dad what name I should use. My Vietnamese name is Hiep Nguyen, and I wanted to be more American. My dad said, 'Use my name.' When I got home, I told him I'd used Goldberg as my name and asked for his approval. He said, 'Idiot! I meant for you to use my first name, Gary.'"

And so, his name: Hiep Goldberg. What a country!

"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination." ~Mark Twain

Spinning Minister

On March 19, 2008, Jeff Jacoby, Boston Globe columnist, wrote a caustic rebuke of Senator Barak Obama and his former pastor, Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright. The article, It's still a question of Wright and wrong, generated much heat and no light.

First, I believe Jeff Jacoby is clueless about the roles of ministers and congregants of African–American churches in the United States. They can't be smoothly compared to congregational rabbis. Black ministers wield more authority and power than rabbis. Rabbis serve at the whim of congregational boards; that's why Mr. Jacoby writes he'd call for the firing of a polically unacceptable rabbi: because he can. Rabbis have a tradition of not leading their synagogues. They are sages; teachers; advisors; listeners; mediators; custodians of reason, truth, and decorum; whatever… But, high–powered, fire–breathing leaders? Not very often. Such a rabbi would be considered suspicious.

Second, although Rev. Wright distorted historical facts, his hyperbolic rhetoric bothers us because his arguments about American behavior are fundamentally true. America oppresses her racial minorities, interjects herself in the national affairs of other countries using economic imperialism (and covert and overt force if deemed necessary), and spends hundreds of billions of dollars on uncalled–for wars while her citizens go without the most basic of human needs. The list goes on. Rev. Wright held up a mirror to our faces, we saw who we were, and we couldn't handle the truth.

Last, when Mr. Jacoby says that he, a righteous Jew, wouldn't put up with Rev. Wright's unprincipled behavior from his rabbi, he's wordlessly implying that Trinity United Church of Christ congregants are guilty of the sin of silence for brooking Rev. Wright's rants. In the article, African-American Trinity United Church of Christ congregants is code for black men and women, who obviously aren't capable or intelligent enough to participate in the civil discourse necessary in a democracy. This is called bigotry, people.

Senator Obama wrote his followup speech in his own words. What we heard was a sage, teacher, advisor, listener, mediator, and custodian of reason, truth, and decorum—exactly the person Mr. Jacoby wants to be President of the United States—or perhaps his rabbi.

Let's move along. Nobody is perfect. No nation is perfect. Americans need a large dose of humility. Let's recognize our own faults and weak points and stop dwelling on the faults and weak points of others.

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ~Dan Quayle

Teachers Take a Hit

The California budget debacle should come as no surprise to anyone who manages their household budget. Spending more than you make is a recipe for financial disaster.

California law requires an annually balanced budget. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger promised fiscal responsibility, but his method of balancing the budget was to borrow money against the delusion of an ever–growing economy. Place this in a pot with the citizens' unwillingness to pay for anything that doesn't fill their gas tanks, turn down the economic burner, and we have a predictable disaster.

Californians must now tighten their belts. Every state program must take a hit, including foolish items like consumer services, transportation and housing, environmental protection, health and human services, corrections and rehabilitation, labor and workforce development, assistance to local government, mandates, and the greatest investment in the future—the most harebrained program of all—education.

School districts are now hurrying to reduce costs. This translates into larger classes, supply insufficiencies, elimination of many important scholastic programs, and fewer teachers and teachers' aids. In a state with the sixth largest economy in the world, California's annual, per–pupil spending is $7,584, 33rd in the nation, 45.5% less than New York State which spends $12,325 per student.

As usual, the powerless students and those at the bottom of our state's educational hierarchy will pay for the brainlessness of those whose shameful decisions got us into this mess: Governor Schwarzenegger and the California State Legislature.

Teachers don't teach for the money; teaching is a calling. Educators feel obligated to provide our children with a proper education. Imagine that! They're likely to pay for essential classroom supplies—hypothetically prepaid by the taxpayers—out their personal salaries when the school districts stop doing so. It's in their genes.

Feh!

I suggest that the guilty, those responsible, be the ones who pay for their errors. Governor Schwarzenegger and the California State Legislature should have their salaries cut and benefits reduced for not performing their jobs properly, after which they do the civilized thing: apologize, then fall on their swords.

Oremus et pro perfidis Judaeis.

Tridentine Mass

The Vatican has revived a traditional medieval prayer for the conversion of the Jews from their Tridentine Mass, according to a report in the Forward. The prayer reads, "Oremus et pro perfidis Judaeis," or "Let us pray for the perfidious Jews."

The Vatican certainly has the right to formulate their liturgy as they please, but they cannot and should not expect immunity from criticism—not with their depraved political history.

So much for acceptance. So much for reconciliation. So much for sensitivity. So much for progress. Pope Benedict XVI has angered Muslims and now Jews with his calendar–reversing policies. No wonder North American Catholics are queuing up at the doors of Protestant churches?

The Vatican would do better to be concerned with the souls of their own congregants rather than fretting about the beliefs of non-Catholics. Maybe the Vatican is obsessed by its own unimportance.

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing." ~Michael Pritchard

"A Badly Written Third Act"

I met Gregg Sanderson decades ago when I purchased sales–automation software from his company, Breakthrough Productions. He's a captivating man: entrepreneur, programmer, software designer, actor, poet, musician, intellectual, iconoclast, and wit. Voltaire wrote, "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." If anyone sees human behavior—including his own—as the stuff of comedy, it's Gregg.

He recently contacted me to say he would soon be visiting San Francisco, ask how I was doing, and so on. I replied that my health had not been too marvelous. He responded by sending me the following poem. I now read it daily; I'll never kvetch again. Enjoy!

---

Too Young To Be Old
By Gregg Sanderson

Once you get a little older
The fire of ambition starts to smolder.
Home Saturday nights I'm just plain lazy,
But in years gone by, I'd be going crazy.

Relationships are always fun
And I've enjoyed most every one.
Cute women still make my fantasies bubble
But to do anything about it is so much trouble.

I like parties when I'm invited
But I hope the hostess won't feel slighted
If I depart at half past ten
After snoozing on her couch 'til then.

Wisdom comes with age, we've known.
But sometimes age just comes alone.
That you have been here many years
Just means you've been here many years.

What to do as age creeps up
When in your mind, you're still a pup?
I've come up with some "don't's" and "do's"
And some friendly hints we all can use.

There are some things to never say
Like "Things were better in my day."
Or "When you get to be as old as I…"
Or "If asked my age, I never lie."

When you hum a tune, be sure it's recent
And don't call teen-age dress indecent.
Don't pretend to be a sage
With a line that starts, "When I was your age…"

I'm glad you recovered from your last disease.
But kindly spare us the details, please.
For when you dwell on your debility
I wonder if you've reached senility.

Cause nobody consternation
By telling of your operation
And if it's to happen in the future
Remember, don't display your suture.

Put some color in your hair.
Don't grunt when you rise from a chair.
If you take a hot young date to dinner
The senior menu's NOT a winner.

You'll hate it when she calls you "sir"
When your mind has other thoughts of her.
But one thing I know you'll really hate;
That cute young thing is forty-eight.

There's snow on the mountain but heat in the valley
Use it or lose it. Now, don't dilly-dally.
And wouldn't it be really nice
If I could take my own advice!

When you smile, the years fall away
And it makes it easier to live today.
So don't let another day go by
Without a twinkle in your eye.

Even though your years may be golden
To yourself you're still beholden.
So live today as if it's your last.
It might be.

© 2007 Gregg Sanderson

It's just a wee problem…

"For God's sake, John, sit down!" You're obnoxious and disliked!

Science has proven that given the variables of viscosity, temperature, windage, flexibility, and the force of the fluid, it's difficult to accurately direct a fluid from a flexible tube to a given target. However, if the tube is attached to a fixed object at one end, and there's intelligence involved, one can get close enough to be effective.

Then why the devil do men's restrooms look and smell as though they've been hosed down with urine by the NYFD? Good God! Men must be whirling about Sufi–like while relieving themselves.

If you can't hit the target, go to a stall, and sit down. Statistically there can't be so many American men who are legally blind. How many legally–blind drivers are on the road? Have you "refreshed" yourself lately at any of the rest areas on interstate 5? Piddleburg.

If bad breeding is the cause for your spraying torrents of urine everywhere except the urinal, get psychological counseling to make right the wretched job your mother and father did raising you. Better, get a Stadium Pal, and empty the bag in your home toilet.

And while your at it, wash your hands. There's a good boy!

"Nothing in life became him like the leaving of it."

Jerry Falwell Dead—at Long Last

Jerry Falwell, the fundamentalist preacher who founded the Moral Majority and helped bring the language and passions of religious conservatives into American politics, died today shortly after he was found unconscious in his office at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Va. He was 73 years old. ~The New York Times © May 15, 2007

Girl Gets Bird Flu After Kissing Chicken

Get That Girl a Teddy Bear, for Cryin' Out Loud!

AP Wire | 01/10/2006 | "Girl Gets Bird Flu After Kissing Chicken"

BENJAMIN HARVEY
Associated Press

VAN, Turkey - Sumeyya Mamuk considered the chickens in her backyard to be beloved pets. The 8-year-old girl fed them, petted them and took care of them. When they started to get sick and die, she hugged them and tenderly kissed them goodbye. The next morning, her face and eyes were swollen and she had a high fever. Her father took her to a hospital, and five days later she was confirmed to have the deadly H5N1 strain of bird flu.

"The chickens were sick. One had puffed up and she touched it. We told her not to. She loved chickens a lot," her father, Abdulkerim Mamuk, said of the second youngest of his eight children. "She held them in her arms."

Her oldest brother, Sadun, said Sumeyya loved animals and took care of puppies and kittens in Van's Yalim Erez neighborhood.

When her mother saw Sumeyya holding one of the dying chickens, she yelled at her and hit the girl to get her away.

Sumeyya began to cry. She wiped her tears with the hand she'd been using to comfort the dying chicken.

"She wiped her face," said her father, speaking in broken Turkish and wearing a leather jacket and a typical Kurdish headdress in their bright, clean home. "She started to swell. She had a really high fever."

Following a few tense days when her family worried if she would recover, Summeya's condition has improved due to quick treatment with the antiviral drug Tamiflu, said Dr. Huseyin Avni Sahin, chief physician at the Van 100th Year Hospital.

But at least two other children have died of the same virus in Turkey, and as of Tuesday, 15 people had tested positive for infection in preliminary tests. Many are children.

The disease also appears to be spreading.

In parts of the world where the virus has been deadly - until now only in East Asia - children like Summeya have been the worst hit.

"It was the same in Asia," said Dr. Guenael Rodier, a scientist with the World Health Organization who has been chasing the virus around the world. "It mainly occurred in family clusters of small size, and mainly in children."

Even if not animal lovers like Sumeyya, children in poor agricultural towns tend to be extremely comfortable with the animals they share their lives with. It has been particularly difficult to convince them that this proximity can now be dangerous.

In Dogubayazit, the Turkish town near the Iranian border where most of the current cases originated, children usually outnumbered workers in trying to round up chickens for culling. Boys and girls led cows and sheep down the main streets. As adult out-of-towners fled from terrifying dogs that snarled from nearly every backyard, little local children giggled.

As the H5N1 bird flu virus spreads, scientists monitoring it for fear it could mutate into a form easily transmissible among humans say education on its dangers is crucial to fighting it. Rodier said his organization was considering implementing a program aimed solely at rural children.

"It's child behavior," he said. "They play with everything."

As for Sumeyya, she is expected to be released from the hospital and join her family and her other pets - dogs, cats and cows - in the next few days.

"She's gotten better," Sahin said. "In a few days, she'll be released."